20 years and counting.

Last Wednesday was my husbands and I 20th anniversary of the day we met. We had great plans. My very best girlfriend in the world wrote a letter for a contest, and we won a free room at a lovely Bed and Breakfast. Well needless to say we did not have the money to go which totally pissed me off. As in fire coming out of my eyes, and smoke coming out of my ears pissed. I kicked the garbage disposal under the sink. (broke it) No body wanted to talk to me for the whole day. Why is it the things you look forward to the most always gets messed up. For 20 years I have had my plans totally screwed up while other people in my family (husband) has their plans go off without a hitch. I never wanted to move back to Ohio but yet here I am. I never wanted to live in a small town, but yet here I am. I absolutely never wanted to be in an old house(1850's) yet again here I am. I try to think positive. Sometimes its a very hard thing to do. I hurt all the time from my back issues, and its hard to stay positive while your in pain. Sometimes its hard to think at all.
I have been having issues with the thought should I stay or should I go. There are people in my life that say "when you get out of school leave him" then I have people on the other side of the road saying "stay you idiot, you can make things get better" The only thing is do I want things to get better, yet I will compromise again, or do I go and find happiness somewhere else. What questions I need to answer, before I go crazy and get put in a crazy hospital.

You are never gonna believe where I am while writing this blog. I am sitting in front of a Starbucks, stealing Internet well not tech stealing I did go in a buy coffee and a muffin. I just did not want to stay in there and have to listen to other peoples lives. I don't even want to listen to my life. That is why I am sitting in my car not wanting to go home. I know life does not suck as much as it could but dammit I want some freggin happiness. I got a email from my favorite niece telling me about how some B&B will give veterans a free night stay for veterans day. I looked into it, of course nothing near us. we would have to go to MI or IN which I am totally fine with, but the tuff thing is convincing the hubby. As my kids refer to him "THE BEAR" I will tell them to go get their dad and they will tell me that they do not want to "poke the bear" of course I say do it anyways. Back to why I am sitting in front of a Starbucks. I do not repeat do not want to go home. Home is stress, home is clutter, home is fighting kids, home is chaos. and home is not where I want to be. As I sit here in the quietness of my car I am so happy which in turn as made me depressed because I am not suppose to be happy sitting in my car. I am suppose to be happy sitting at home. I really feel like I am losing my ever lovin mind. Someone please tell me its okay to not like my family or my house. I guess I should eat my muffin and go home I have killed enough time the kids will start to worry.

Fall in Ohio

Its the middle of Oct already. Wow how fast time flies when you are really stressed. I was gone most of the summer, taking care of a hurting mom. I felt really guilty coming back home when I know I am needed so much there. Don't get me started on the drama that I had to put up with while I was there. My poor mom she has to deal with so much crap on a regular day, its even crappier when my sister needs something, or my brother decides he is gonna be a ass. My niece the true Bitch we have have come to know and despise is also in the picture to cause high blood pressure to us all. The only good thing I can say about being gone so long is the fact we missed Ohio in August nothing I repeat nothing sucks as bad as August in Ohio. Its hot, its humid, I'm cranky, the kids are cranky, the hubby is cranky, (well he is always cranky) But back to fall in Ohio I just love this time of year. Its cool in the evening, its warm during the day, the leaves are turning wonderful colors of yellow red orange, and all colors in between. The thing I love the most is the peacefulness. I have been known to just disappear for hours. No body knows where my happy place is and I am not about to spill it in this blog. What else can I talk about? How bout how crazy, awful my relationship is with my husband since I have been back. I have wanted to punch him in the face, IN THE FACE. That can not be good. I cry a lot, the kids think I am gonna leave him, I think deep down inside he thinks I am gonna leave him. There are days I want to. I was going to have us all go to therapy, my daughter in law (who I really did not mean to open up to about all this) thought it would be better if just him and I went to see someone. I think she is right. I am in the process of finding someone. I don't want to give up after almost 20 years, but I don't want to be miserable either. I can honestly say I have been pretty damn miserable. I checked out some books from the library that are about forgiveness and other BS. Yes I need to forgive him for taking his family side on some of our issues. I just feel he should back me up. I am the one who takes care of him, makes sure he gets sleep, food, and love. (well not to much lately) its hard to be loving when you want to punch him in the face. Hopefully all these things will clear up and we can move past this. I just want him to understand that my feelings should come first, and if he would back me up I would take him with me when I disappear to see the lovely change of colors.

What was I thinking

As of today I have been in school for 54 days. I have completed 2 mods. Got a B in law and ethics and got a B in computer applications. In this mod I am taking clinical procedures and medical office applications. Medical applications I am taking on line and its so nice. I like my instructor. We have live lessons twice a week and I am the only one who gets on the computer for them. so needless to say Joyce and I get off track. She is super nice I hope I get her again in the future. My Cleveland class is quite interesting. Our small group of 7 got a whole bunch of new students, and I few who have to make up this class. It is a lot harder than most people think. Its not just taking temps and other vitals. I have learned how to take Blood Pressure. the stethoscope the school gave me is a piece of Sh&$. I bought a new one, its pink I really like it. There is a lot of abbreviations you have to learn examples are Bx (biopsy) ABNL (abnormal) qod (four times a day) AMA (against medical advice) and OU ( both eyes). This stuff is crazy. We have a open time in class to practice taking vitals but no one will shut the hell up so we can concentrate. I am the third oldest in class so a lot of the younger students look up to me, (Like I know what I am doing.) It amazes me how stupid some of the youngin's are. I really hope I was not that stupid when I was in my early 20's. There is two young guys in my class they are too funny. I like them both. Oh of course I tease them about the sea of estrogen they are floating in. I guess they must like me they come to me for help with vitals. I guess I just have a magnetic personality. I walk in the classroom and everybody is hey you made it. Why would I not. I did not start school to drop out. I am glad I am liked though this is so much better than when I was in high school. Its so much easier to do my school work without someone calling me a slut or bitch. Everyone knows I am not a virgin (hint two beautiful kids) so they don't have to make fun of me. Also I am older and wiser and don't put up with the crap I had to in high school. I am off to the campground so I can spend the day with my loving family for mothers day. Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers I know and Love.

School-ward bound

I officially had my first day of school yesterday. Lets see I got stuck in a traffic jam on I 71, I was fifteen minuets late for school, I left my lights on in the parking lot (which thankfully my course director pointed out to the whole class) I had to wait for books, and they did not have my new scrubs. By the way my scrubs are this pretty royal blue I am writing writing in. After the rush of being late and getting books and such, I got to sit and listen to my new instructor. She seemed really bitchy at first, but then she told us about herself and my attitude changed. Anyone who is so in love with their grandchild gets kudos in my book. ( even though no matter what I see Our Boston is the cutest baby ever!!!) My first class is on medical law and ethics. I already answered three questions right in class so some of this stuff I already know. I wasn't being a know it all either. Other people answered questions too. I have a very small class there is 7 of us, so everyone had to answer questions. The 5 week mods are scheduled as this Mon and Wed Law and Ethics Tues and Thurs Computer applications. The nice thing is us 7 will be blending with students that have had a few mods. We get to learn the ropes from them. So far everyone I met has been super nice, and helpful. All I have to do is stay healthy because I can only miss 10 hours in each class per mod. I need to save up my time in case of pneumonia or (and) when our next grandchild is born in October.

I am starting something later today that both thrills me and scares me. I am starting school. I officially start school for Medical Assisting at 2:00 this afternoon. Its been about 6 years that I have wanted to go back to school in the medical field. I had always thought with the kids needing me I should wait, Now my waiting is done. Last month I looked into Sanford-Brown College. Eventualy I would like to be a xray tech, but for now I start medical assisting. School is 45 min away, four times a week. I often wondered how I could I be a good wife and mother if I went back to school. My life is so stressed I hope I don't go stark raving mad. My handsome man tells me everything will be just fine. I wish I could see that. The kids say they understand why I am doing this, but somehow that does not change the fact that I feel like I am abandoning them. I also keep telling myself that this is a great thing and I have waited long enough to do something that I really want to do. I have wanted to be in the medical field for a long time. I had used the excuse of the kids being too young, or the fact that we move every three years that kept me from starting school. Now that the kids are older and I am so frustrated with staying at home. That gave me the jump and the push I needed to start school. I never realized that the VA would pay for all of my schooling and pay me an allowance for going to school. I should have done this three years ago. The only person I worry about is my charming boy, he doesn't take change too well. I hope for all of our sakes this will be a smooth transition. A few people have told me how difficult this school will be, I love to learn new things so I hope I can go though with the course without losing my mind. I am so grateful that I have the support of the people I love to help me though this. I am anxious and scared but I know I can do this. Just think by the time I am 40 I will be a Medical Assistant . After I finish this course I can go on to Xray tech. Wish me luck. I will keep posting and writing about my new adventure.

Car accidents

I have only been in three Car accidents since I have got my license 20 years ago. Two of them was only minor damage and the third was quite a bit of damage to the minivan I was driving, but it wasn't a jarring crash. Yes I hurt alittle but not enough to interrupt my life. I got in a car accident today that scared me and the kids. It was kinda like being hit by a train.I did not see the truck pulling out of a driveway till it was hitting me. My poor drama queen got the most impact of the crash. Thank god I was not going too fast and the glass in my car did not break. I was driving westbound though middle of my town when a teenager in a big black Chevy truck backed out of his driveway and t-boned my little Mazda. He hit us hard enough to push me into the eastbound lane facing traffic.We were so lucky there was no cars coming or the accident would have been so much worse. I was so worried about the kids. Charming boy was in the back seat, he did not feel a lot of the impact. Drama queen did. I felt so bad for her she was crying. She could not open her door so she had to crawl over the seat to get out. The was a nice lady that stopped traffic for us till the police arrived. We where all pretty shook up. I was really pissed. The guy who hit us admitted to the police that he did not see me, maybe it was the fact that his big ass Chevy had dark tinted widows and a huge Chevy emblem on his rear window. The police gave him a ticket and informed me that his insurance should cover everything. Its the pain and suffering I am concerned about.I am so pissed I hurt all over, and I know the blue book value of my car isn't very much so I don't know how much I will get for my car. Yes I am relived that we are not hurt real bad. It could have been so much worse. There was no blood involved just lots of xrays. I also forgot to tell handsome man what hospital we went to. He was so worried. My best friend M took us to the hospital so he finally got a hold of her. He showed up at the hospital right as we getting released. I felt even worse then because he was late to work because of us. Well its getting late and the meds that the nice doctor gave me are started to really take effect. I will write more as my drama of life unfolds.

Well another month has past in the freezing hell that I call home. We just had a snow storm that canceled things. I know I should not be so negative about where I live but I really don't cold weather. Since my outing was canceled for today, I decided to do so laundry and just "pardon my pun" Chill out at home. I was informed by my loving husband who spend four hours outside playing with his snow blower, that someone needed to go out to the side of our house and un bury the dryer vent. I decided I would go do it. The snow did not look so deep, Oh how wrong I was. I made it past the Truck and car and the snow was up to my knees. I decided I was already outside I might as well just keep going around the house to the side yard. After many curses from me, and a good fall in the snow I made it the side patio. I dug out the vent, which took some effort because of the angle of the steps and the snow level. I was cold, wet and incredible pissed by then. I walked to the edge of the patio and knocked on the window to get someones attention. Of course That took some time because no one thought to check on me. I could have froze to death ha ha. Eventually My husband let me in the side door. I don't know what I was thinking and I won't be digging anything out again. I guess I will be home bound till the snow melts. I think the only one that truly enjoys the snow would be our polor bear of a dog. Jazz just loves the snow and cold. The kids went out later in the afternoon and started to make a Totoro in the snow. You can look it up, its Anime . Drama Queen came in and said they were throwing snow at Jazz and she was catching it. Where as the little dogs start shakin as soon as I get close to the door to let them out. I am hoping that the Damn Groundhog was wrong last week and spring comes early this year for the sake of the little dogs if not for me.

January In Ohio

January in Ohio is like July in Virgina , its yucky yucky yucky.
In winter you can't go out side for more than a few minuets at a time and in summer in Virgina you can't go out for more than a few minutes at a time. Oh how I miss California in the winter. Its gets chilly in the high dessert and chilly at the beach, but you don't have to wear a parka to go to the store. As you can tell I really don't like it here. The winter you have cold, real cold and freeze your butt off. IN the summer you have warm , Hot and then Melt your butt off. I am counting down the days until spring, which you never know if it gonna come in April Or May. It so sucks when I (an April Baby) have to worry about it snowing on my birthday. Many of Easters we played in the snow. But back to my rambling. Since I was raised in Southern Cali I am not use to driving in wet slushy icy weather. It not so much me but it is the other Crazy stupid drivers I have to worry about. You know when the roads are wet you should slow down, well here in winter hell most people don't. I drive at least 15-20 miles under the speed limit. I had to make a trip to Wooster the other day in wet, slushy Icy crap. I was barley out of my town when I see three cars in the ditch. As you looked further you saw the skid marks though the snow and ice of where they lost control. If people would just slow down even a little there would be less accidents. Everyone here teases me about not driving in bad weather, but they have no clue of how really scared I am. I tend to be a homebody for a few months this time of year. At least I am a breathing home body. I miss going outside until I let the dogs out and then realize outside is overrated.