feeling rejected

Why does being rejected hurt so much? I thought I had a perfect job. I really enjoyed working for the doctor right here in my little town. It was so great it was part time which was perfect. I still have kids in school so it came together well. There was three other ladies working in the the office. I paid attention and caught on really fast. I made a few mistakes but who doesn't. The first month went pretty smooth. A few of my co workers gave me some suggestions on how to get the Dr happy. He even told me I was doing a good job. I got really sick with pneumonia and had to take a week off. How could I have gone to work with 102.5 fever. When I came back to work I got a email from my supervisor letting me know that my one month elval will be soon. The new office manager was hired a few weeks before so I really did know much about her. Well she did not impress me. She was harsh and rude. She informed me that even if I am puking and bleeding out of every orifice I should be at work. So My pneumonia was not a good enough reason to miss work. I was so mad. I could not say anything in fear I would say something to get me fired on the spot.then I was informed that I have been rude to people on the phone and have no phone etiquette. I have been in some sort of customer service for the past 20 years. I know I am very good on the phone. I love answering phones. My supervisor did not even warn me this was going down like this. I lost all respect for her. After a few more weeks where I thought I was doing better I got blindsided again. I looked into taking my certification test. I found out that the waiting list is six months.my supervisor called me and asked if I could come her office and do some scanning. He office got behind while her Dr went on vacation. I went over two days in the morning to help. I tried to talk to her about this new hr manager.all she told was this woman is a hard nose. That is a non curssing way to say she a heart less bitch. I had a feeling something was. wroung about two weeks ago when they started trainning the front office women how to take care of things witth patients. I was told by a co-worker that the dr has issues with me talking to much to the patients. I am sorry but I was taught in MA school I was suspose to make them comfy. I guess my strong personality was to much. Two days ago I got termminated. The reason where all stupid. I really think the doc and the staff just did not like me. I was told since I could not get my certification till Aug; I am terminated. I was not surprise I was let go. It just hurts to be rejected. My husband has been trying to make me feel. It not working. Maybe tomatrow I can be optimistic.
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Winter Blues

Sometimes when winter hits I get a little blue, well this year its been worse than most. Not only I am depressed but I have some anger issues. I have had anger issues in the past, but the past year they have been getting worse. I fly off the handle very easily lately and really feel like I could hurt someone if I don't walk away from the situation. After my lovely outburst I feel so guilty I cry for hours. I have seen my doctor he is trying different meds for me, but even that makes me feel guilty that I can handle things on my own. I have finally finished school and I was hired by the first Doctor I had an interview with. I should be thrilled but now I have all the stress of training and feeling guilty about not be here for my family. I have locked my self in my room trying to calm down so I don't yell at the people I love. I am truly wondering if its not hormones or the lack of them that is making me crazy. I feel like I could sleep for hours, I try to sleep at night but I Cant get my mind to stop. I am hoping to feel better soon. I am trying.

Hello it's Me again

Hello It's me again. I know its been a while since I have posted anything. All I can say is life gets in the way. Lots have happened since June. I have Graduated MA school. I am proud to say with a 3.79 grade point average. My darling daughter has started Cosmetology school. She loves it. (I knew she would) My awesome son has started back with his on-line school so in the kid dept everything is cool. My mom fell last month and broke her leg, not a little bone like the tibia or fibula, no she broke the biggest bone in the body, her femur. She has really weak bones from years of osteoarthritis. Right after I finished by ex-tern site for school I flew to Texas. Thank god it is not as hot as it has been over this past summer. I am crazy busy here. It seems like I never stop. Mom is wheel chair bound. That makes her a very unhappy camper. She is very stubborn and its hard for her to stay down. She can't even put pressure on her leg till Oct 13th I am staying until the 26th of Oct. I know I am needed and appreciated here. My family at home is not happy about me being gone. I have heard "come home" more times than I care to mention. It was a hard decision to leave them to come help here. Deep in my soul I know they can take care of themselves, even if they don't think so. I know they need me at home, but my moms health is not good and I know I should be here. By the time I go home all the trees will have lost their leaves and I will have missed my favorite season, Fall.------Here comes F&@#?%g winter.

Twenty Years and counting.

I know I have complained about my marriage in many different rants throughout the years but deep down I know my Husband is my true soul mate. twenty years ago I said my marriage vows and I meant them. Though the good and bad, rich and the poor and in sickness and in health my husband has always been there for me. That wonderful man I married is truly the man of my dreams.
I may not being happy where I am living but he has always tried to be here for me.He woke me up with a soft Happy anniversary sweetheart. He let me sleep next to him for a few peaceful hours this morning. waking up next to him was such a wonderful thing. He use to tease me about getting fat and leaving me ( oh course that was when I was skinny and first married to him.) I am not that skinny little thing that said I do all those many years ago. He has stood by me as I have gained weight with each baby we had. When I had to have all my woman parts taken out I felt so un-womanly. He took me in his arms and said he wold love me even if I was as big as a house. To me he looks like that same gorgeous man who said he would love me till he died. With his work and me being in school we are gonna have to put off that trip to the falls. Just like twenty years ago no fancy trip, no real honeymoon, just some quality time together as man and wife. When school is finished and he can take time off from work we can make that trip in the fall. Who wants to go on a trip in the middle of summer anyways. All I hope for is plenty more loving years with this wonderful man I pledged myself to on that wonderfully hot beautiful day in June in the heat of the high desert. I would not go back and change it for anything.

A summers day

Gee its nice to have a summers day where you don't have to worry about going anywhere or doing anything you don't want to do. I don't have days like that. I have days where I rush to and fro to pick up things for the kids. I go to school during the week so no free time there. The only free time I have is late at night. I really do miss all those summers of hanging out with friends, going to the pool, heading to the beach. Why does being a responsible adult suck so much.

When its time to let go

Roughly 16 years ago when we lived in Maryland, I had a very rough thing happen to me. I was pregnant with my oldest, and staying by myself because my husband was 2 hours away at staff academy. I, being the flake that I was (pregnancy hormones) threw away some chicken that I brought home from a restaurant. I forgot to lock up my Dog, Jake that day. Jake was a wedding gift and we had had him for almost 4 years. He went everywhere with us. He meant the world to us. When I got home from work I found the kitchen full of trash and both Jake and my cat, Speed very happy to see me but covered in trash. I was still getting sick from morning sickness, so in between puking I cleaned up the mess. Later that night Jake started throwing up. I just thought it was because of the trash eating, and figured he would just puke it out of his system. Well he didn't. I took him to vet and was told that what ever he ate made him so ill and it was tearing up his insides, their best advice was to put him to sleep. I could not let him suffer, so that is what we did. It was time to let go. I cried and cried till I could not cry anymore. I was sick for days from the grief. I told my self that I would never get that attached to a pet again, but of course I have gotten attached to our pets since then. I tell my self that I am stupid for getting new ones, my family are all a bunch of softies. We have 5 cats and had 3 dogs. Last week we had to put our Great Pyrenees to sleep. Jasmine was just getting too old and too cranky. She was hurting, and we just could not let her suffer anymore. She had snapped at the other dogs and almost caught me and my oldest in the crossfire many times. It was a really rough decision. I put it off for months, I just could not risk her biting someone. She was a big dog and would have left big marks, probably lots of stitches or death to one of the little dogs.
Over the years we have had to get rid of a few of our pets for various reasons. Not all pets are a good fit. About five years ago we had to get rid of another dog because she was snapping at people. We felt horrible but we knew it was the best thing to do. We took Abbey to the dog warden and he asked what was going on with the her. I told him that we let people keep her that we shouldn't have and they abused her and now she was snapping at the kids. It was a safety issue.
My step son had a fit about us getting rid of her even though she was a safety risk. Now after all this years we had to put Jasmine to sleep because she was hurting so much and he is giving us shit again. He said we get all these animals and just give them away when we get tired of them or want new ones. He said we labeled them bitters and had them put to sleep. We had to get rid of one dog because she bit. We gave away a puppy many years ago to my daughter in laws parents because they said they wanted him. I wanted another Brittany spaniel like my first one (Jake) but learned that trying to replace a dog with the same kind of dog is not always a good idea, he needed a place to run. After a few months we decided to adopt him out to someone who had the place for him to run. Two years ago we sent another dog to my sister in Texas because she fell in love with him and we knew he would be happier out there. Jasmine was old and hurting. She had lost almost 20 pounds in the last 6 months. On the days she really hurt she would have diarrhea. This was a very difficult situation for my family to go though and what my step son said to us I will never forget. It will take time to forgive him but I will never forget how much he hurt me. He thinks that when you get a pet you should keep them no matter what. Him and his wife had a cat that was mean, and I mean vicious. Every time someone would walk by she would hiss and swat. They kept that cat for years. Last Oct. I was at their house with the kids visiting. I went up stairs to check on my oldest granddaughter and the friggin cat attacked me. She bit my leg. I had to get a tenuous shot, it got infected, and it hurt like hell. First off, I would never have a cat like that in a house with two babies. It very well could have been one of the girls it could have attacked. They both said they were sorry that the cat bit me, and I believe they are. I know with my step sons temper if that cat would have hurt one of the girls he would have threw it out the door and never let in back in. I believe in order to be a responsible pet owner you have to think of all aspects of the pets life. That cat was not happy at their house. Happy cats don't go around hissing and swatting at people. When a pet is a danger to other pets and people in their home they need to be removed from that home. When a pet is hurting it needs to be put to sleep for humane reasons. He mentioned placing Jasmine in a rescue. Her hips were going out and most days she took a long time to get up from laying down. A rescue would have done the same thing as us. You just don't let animals suffer. This is something I have always believed in and I won't keep an animal that is a safety issue or let animals suffer when they hurt. If that is a what my step son and his wife think is a irresponsible pet owner that I guess in their eyes that is what I am. I know in my heart I did the right thing. I miss Jasmine and her big brown eyes, but I know she is in a better place where she has no more pain. It hurts so much when its time to let go.

20 years and counting.

Last Wednesday was my husbands and I 20th anniversary of the day we met. We had great plans. My very best girlfriend in the world wrote a letter for a contest, and we won a free room at a lovely Bed and Breakfast. Well needless to say we did not have the money to go which totally pissed me off. As in fire coming out of my eyes, and smoke coming out of my ears pissed. I kicked the garbage disposal under the sink. (broke it) No body wanted to talk to me for the whole day. Why is it the things you look forward to the most always gets messed up. For 20 years I have had my plans totally screwed up while other people in my family (husband) has their plans go off without a hitch. I never wanted to move back to Ohio but yet here I am. I never wanted to live in a small town, but yet here I am. I absolutely never wanted to be in an old house(1850's) yet again here I am. I try to think positive. Sometimes its a very hard thing to do. I hurt all the time from my back issues, and its hard to stay positive while your in pain. Sometimes its hard to think at all.
I have been having issues with the thought should I stay or should I go. There are people in my life that say "when you get out of school leave him" then I have people on the other side of the road saying "stay you idiot, you can make things get better" The only thing is do I want things to get better, yet I will compromise again, or do I go and find happiness somewhere else. What questions I need to answer, before I go crazy and get put in a crazy hospital.